A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a three incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a three incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
Campy Out!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Things not to do if you have Parkinson's
Sucks to be me...
Again!
Smashed my right index finger between the brake drum and the rim of the backing plate on my truck!
After about 4 hours of significantly increasing throbbing, I decided it was time to do the nasty deed of heating up the old paper clip trick.
Where is a good IDC when I decide to invoke something I used to do on a daily basis?
After I botched the attempt twice with a freakin smaller than called for paper clip, I progressed to a 1/8 in titanium drill bit.
Well to make this self inflicted ordeal as brief as possible, I finally got to the nail bed for the third time, and decided to suck the blood out. Not much there.
Think I smashed the itty bitty bone at the tip of my finger (tuft fracture) and now it's open with my spit in it.
What did I learn?
1. Get someone else to do the popping, preferably an IDC.
2. Use a bigger paper clip the first time.
3. If the subungal hematoma doesn't look full of blood, it isn't, so don't pop it to begin with.
4. Drilling holes in burned holes sucks!
5. Scotch works...
6. Oh... The most important one... don't try this if you have Parkinson's Disease.
Tomorrow will be a better day!
Campy out!
Smashed my right index finger between the brake drum and the rim of the backing plate on my truck!
After about 4 hours of significantly increasing throbbing, I decided it was time to do the nasty deed of heating up the old paper clip trick.
Where is a good IDC when I decide to invoke something I used to do on a daily basis?
After I botched the attempt twice with a freakin smaller than called for paper clip, I progressed to a 1/8 in titanium drill bit.
Well to make this self inflicted ordeal as brief as possible, I finally got to the nail bed for the third time, and decided to suck the blood out. Not much there.
Think I smashed the itty bitty bone at the tip of my finger (tuft fracture) and now it's open with my spit in it.
What did I learn?
1. Get someone else to do the popping, preferably an IDC.
2. Use a bigger paper clip the first time.
3. If the subungal hematoma doesn't look full of blood, it isn't, so don't pop it to begin with.
4. Drilling holes in burned holes sucks!
5. Scotch works...
6. Oh... The most important one... don't try this if you have Parkinson's Disease.
Tomorrow will be a better day!
Campy out!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
NO WAY OUT!!!
No way out.....
At a fund raiser recently. I was introduced to a very very "racktaculous" woman, by my wife. Reflexively, I did what every "BOOBY" lover does... In a "guy instant" I "glance checked" "THEM" out, and filed them in my booby memory as "Very SAT." (SAT = Satisfactory for non sailors)
I'm sure that this minor and ever so friendly "assessment" took only an instant, and hence, the conversation continued in a convivial manner.
Sue later smiled at me and said what were you staring at?
Duh.... Didn't think I was staring... "I was merely noticing that...."
Authors Note:
.... I'm going to stop here and try to explain what and where my mind went and why I was hosed from the first moment I opened my mouth.
1. My wife is a marathon runner, physically fit, and built for speed.
CAN I GET AN AMEN!!!
2. I noticed that the cleavage on the lady I just met looked like a squished up butt.. not bad, but way to much out there...
3. Having seen my wife's butt earlier, I made what I thought was a well thought out compliment.
4. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!
And my ever so expected to be purely complimentary sentence as spoken:
"I merely noticed that her boobs are as big as your butt!"
At the table, yes, I said this at the table, jaws opened, male and female alike, men no doubt because they realized my fatal commission, women, because they realized my inability to sensor myself, thus creating a "hurtful" situation. On my part, I didn't register the insanity that had suddenly befell me.
Only after seeing the horror and incredulous looks of the people at the table, and then only after playing the Roger Campanelli sponsored "Oh Shit! Instant Video Replay" over in my head, did I realized I had once again committed myself, naked and boat-less, to a wide, raging, rocky, river of freezing cold spring water, with half a breath, a sinus infection, and a full stomach (didn't wait my 20 minutes.)
While everyone saw, and heard, me fall in the "River Du' CaCa", they all walked away shaking their heads, no doubt thankful, and reassured, that I would forever be removed from the Gene Pool..
I am now doing shame..........
Campy Out!
At a fund raiser recently. I was introduced to a very very "racktaculous" woman, by my wife. Reflexively, I did what every "BOOBY" lover does... In a "guy instant" I "glance checked" "THEM" out, and filed them in my booby memory as "Very SAT." (SAT = Satisfactory for non sailors)
I'm sure that this minor and ever so friendly "assessment" took only an instant, and hence, the conversation continued in a convivial manner.
Sue later smiled at me and said what were you staring at?
Duh.... Didn't think I was staring... "I was merely noticing that...."
Authors Note:
.... I'm going to stop here and try to explain what and where my mind went and why I was hosed from the first moment I opened my mouth.
1. My wife is a marathon runner, physically fit, and built for speed.
CAN I GET AN AMEN!!!
2. I noticed that the cleavage on the lady I just met looked like a squished up butt.. not bad, but way to much out there...
3. Having seen my wife's butt earlier, I made what I thought was a well thought out compliment.
4. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!
And my ever so expected to be purely complimentary sentence as spoken:
"I merely noticed that her boobs are as big as your butt!"
At the table, yes, I said this at the table, jaws opened, male and female alike, men no doubt because they realized my fatal commission, women, because they realized my inability to sensor myself, thus creating a "hurtful" situation. On my part, I didn't register the insanity that had suddenly befell me.
Only after seeing the horror and incredulous looks of the people at the table, and then only after playing the Roger Campanelli sponsored "Oh Shit! Instant Video Replay" over in my head, did I realized I had once again committed myself, naked and boat-less, to a wide, raging, rocky, river of freezing cold spring water, with half a breath, a sinus infection, and a full stomach (didn't wait my 20 minutes.)
While everyone saw, and heard, me fall in the "River Du' CaCa", they all walked away shaking their heads, no doubt thankful, and reassured, that I would forever be removed from the Gene Pool..
I am now doing shame..........
Campy Out!
Monday, April 9, 2012
I NEED A HOCKEY FIX! (My first hockey post??)
Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!
I wish we would all agree to stop posting and re-posting the same mindfully nauseating, yet overly prolific, I miss you, touch an angel, save a whale, vegan, everybody friendly, politically correct, I'm running for President but can't find my ass with both hands, funny cat, laughing baby, ethereally painted motivational scenes by Thomas Kinkade (Oh, he died), milk drinking kitten, homecoming, Spring bloom, April fresh, puppy sleeping, warm beach hand held sunsets, California weather, and any other nice feeling, uppity, motivational, hot cheerleader in matching baggy pants and turtle neck set by Nike BA-LOW-NEE!!!
Wonk! Wonk! Wonk!
I need an old fashioned Zamboni smelling cool air, horn blaring, whistle blowing, blood and teeth on the ice, gloves off, shattered plexiglass, wild puck in the audience, beer, hot dog, AND roasted peanut section, front row, grudge match hockey game!
HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! I do so miss Hockey!
I watched "Goon" tonight for the 3rd time this week, and it's only Monday.
I'll be the first to admit its a pretty stupid movie, wholly based on the great hockey demon, the enforcer or assassin, demonstrating of a lot of fighting, and blood, and swearing, yet gay friendly, and cordial (really), with just the spit perfect amount of hold my hand Elmo love making, to fill in the empty space between fights and swearing.
Man... I so have to get my "T" back into spec.
I know, this is over a year old, but it makes me happy! Go Bruins!!! Dig the reference by the commentator... "Somebody's leakin'!"
Campy Out!
I wish we would all agree to stop posting and re-posting the same mindfully nauseating, yet overly prolific, I miss you, touch an angel, save a whale, vegan, everybody friendly, politically correct, I'm running for President but can't find my ass with both hands, funny cat, laughing baby, ethereally painted motivational scenes by Thomas Kinkade (Oh, he died), milk drinking kitten, homecoming, Spring bloom, April fresh, puppy sleeping, warm beach hand held sunsets, California weather, and any other nice feeling, uppity, motivational, hot cheerleader in matching baggy pants and turtle neck set by Nike BA-LOW-NEE!!!
Wonk! Wonk! Wonk!
I need an old fashioned Zamboni smelling cool air, horn blaring, whistle blowing, blood and teeth on the ice, gloves off, shattered plexiglass, wild puck in the audience, beer, hot dog, AND roasted peanut section, front row, grudge match hockey game!
HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY! I do so miss Hockey!
I watched "Goon" tonight for the 3rd time this week, and it's only Monday.
I'll be the first to admit its a pretty stupid movie, wholly based on the great hockey demon, the enforcer or assassin, demonstrating of a lot of fighting, and blood, and swearing, yet gay friendly, and cordial (really), with just the spit perfect amount of hold my hand Elmo love making, to fill in the empty space between fights and swearing.
Man... I so have to get my "T" back into spec.
I know, this is over a year old, but it makes me happy! Go Bruins!!! Dig the reference by the commentator... "Somebody's leakin'!"
Campy Out!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
April is Parkinson's Awareness Month
It has been some time since I've posted, mainly because I've been busy messing up my "man shed," tuning up small engines for the Spring and Summer seasons, rebuilding an old 1954 ShopSmith Mark V, taking care of my service dog "The Chief" who had 4 knee surgeries in the past 2 months, and visiting with the Gimps and Geezers when I get the chance.
I wanted to take the time to write a quick note and post a movie about Parkinson's Disease, after all April is Parkinson's Awareness Month. So here goes!
Campy Out!
I wanted to take the time to write a quick note and post a movie about Parkinson's Disease, after all April is Parkinson's Awareness Month. So here goes!
Campy Out!
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